After 37 years of marriage, it takes some time to unwind oneself, emotionally, from a relationship of such long duration. If one has to - like in response to a Divorce.
There's a period of numbness - a period in which the changes one must go through are so profound and so total they cannot be contemplated whole. It becomes a time of one foot in front of the other - a time of constant mental adjustment - a time of constantly reminding oneself that the other side of the bed is and will be empty, that the wonders of companionship are over, that all the little duties of everyday living, once shared by two, must now be done by one.
Lately, I've been fixated on replacing my bed - a king size Sleep Number we shared that now will be hers alone. A week ago I found an Ikea bed frame I like - I bought it and stored it in my garage. Then, this last weekend, I bought a mattress and box spring set. It's become very important to me to get this bed in place. I want the Sleep Number bed gone and my used Ikea frame with the brand new mattress and foundation in its place. It's a queen size bed. More than I need, really, but I do have to have room for the occasional visitor, right? (Heh)
As I sit back and look at things - at me and at the way things are working out, I realize I need this in order to move forward. That's why this has become so important to me.
It wasn't always so. I resisted the notion of giving up the bed for the longest time. I suppose I kept hoping things would resolve themselves, and the Divorce wouldn't actually happen. On the 17th of July, it did. It numbingly did. It finally did. I have stamped and sealed papers which say it did.
I never had them before.
I have my bed purchased. In a week or so it will replace the bed that's currently in my room. And I will move on. I hate that it's over, but I'm curious as to what will come next.
I know one thing, though. I always hated that Sleep Number beds don't bounce. A nice pillow top queen size mattress on a regular plain old box spring DOES. And that will feel normal to me.