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Time it was, long ago, when I'd go out and get a little drunk and I'd write some really bad poetry. I found release and comfort in writing - in putting down on bar napkins, notebook paper or whatever else I could find, the outpouring of a wounded soul. It was really stinky stuff - most of which LM (Love Muffin) has found and stored away in a box somewhere waiting for the day I tell her it's okay to try to get it published. That likely won't happen. Like I said, it's stinky. Just as stinky as the big breakup that started it all.
That stinky breakup that inspired all that bad crap happened about this time of year. More or less. It's Springtime that brings it all back, sometimes. I don't know why my greatest failure comes back to haunt me like it does - so many years later - you'd think it would all have faded into distant memory by now - but it hasn't. It's like whoever it is that guards Murphy's Law or Karma or whatever the the current name is for the bitchslap that Life likes to hand you when your life has gone along too smoothly for too long and you're overdue for another shot, whoever that is has to give you a little jiggle.
So this time of year, sometimes, I get a little melancholy. But I think I'm done. I think it's time to tell 'whoever' to fuck off.
When breakups happen, you feel like a loser, a putz, an asshole. It takes a long time, apparently, to figure out that that ain't necessarily so. And I have figured it out. I am a good person. A good Dad, Husband and Son. And nothing is going to happen to what LM and I have now. And have had for more than 34 years.
Yeah. It takes me a while.
Ndinombethe.
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6 comments:
Who "guards Murphy's Law or Karma" in your memory is you. Have a letting go ceremony and then purposely, irrevocably let. it. go. You deserve to.
I call those kind of memories awareness wounds. Sometimes we flick the scab off to feel, to remember, and realign ourselves with who we are now. Sure they sting like the blue blazes, but I realize the potency of what I have now when I expose the wound in the light of day.
Once you embrace the bad with the good it's all a part of you. (Hugs)Indigo
I sort of think that it give you an edge to make sure that you aren't taking things for granted, this memory of yours. Not that it is to be embraced but to be acknowledged... just for you, keeping you in your lane.
But that is me... it isn't something that is malicious but appreciative of all that you have done in your life... again, that is me...
You do deserve to be happy and content. You have a loving wife and family... you're not a loser, you're a good man.
Yep, you and LM have it all goin' on. I've seen it with my own eyes.
Though it speaks of a different kind of end to a romance, Baino's current 10thDoM has a couple of lines in it that have some relevance here: "... love's like nuclear waste with a lengthy half-life. It lasts for years, decades."
A college friend still messages me to lament the two girlfriends who dumped him. And he's been happily married for 12 years.
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