Wordy Wednesday

Stream of consciousness ... song in my ear is "Feather Moon" again ... Something about Vienna Teng just reaches me ... she gets into my mind ... I don't listen to the words so much as the sound, the tone, the 'feel' of the music ... but then, that's always been the way of music for me ... I almost never listen so precisely to a song that I learn the words .. I listen to the 'mood' of the song ... I let the song in and let it find someplace to settle and then we sort of find each other and then I drift and something just plays out in my mind ... whatever it was that I got to thinking about. Whatever it was that the mood, the song, took me to. Sometimes it's an old memory, an old regret, and old hurt, a revisit to places I don't like to go to. Failed marriages leave things like that behind. Children that want nothing to do with you and resist any attempt at communication. She is an incredible artist. Amazing. He has completely broken off what little contact we had tried to re-establish. I couldn't provide him money when he needed it. I have no idea where he is or what he has done or what he is doing. I know he is brilliant. But that's all.

I try to move away from the painful stuff. I look instead into what I do have, the kids who acknowledge me and call me Dad. Fine young men all, but I see so many of my failures in them. My oldest whom I have never been able to help beyond his issues - a failed attempt at counselling, by a consellor who was an idiot and I didn't know what to do to guide him to a better place. Unrecognized Asbergers and too late to remediate. He is determined to lead his own life, to do it his way, but I am the one to whom he turns when he runs out of options. I keep hoping for success. It still eludes us. But I learned from him. Because of him my youngest will succeed. He will get through school and go to college and step out in the world because his oldest brother failed and we learned from that.

"Hope on Fire" playing now. More upbeat but still slightly melancholy. A minor key. Doesn't suit me. I'm going back to "Feather Moon". And suddenly that doesn't suit me either. I seem restless all of a sudden. Unable to focus on the task at hand. Different music. "Drifting" by Enya. Slower. More peacefull. But still that minor key. And that still suits me fine.

I have all of this pent up stuff. Things inside that someday have to come out and they struggle, sometimes, with the boundaries set. The walls in which they have to stay. We all have our secrets. And that's the way it should be. There has to be that nugget kept hidden away. That little bit of you that no one else ever gets to see - your secret you keep with yourself. It's the thing that keeps you grounded. It's the thing that allows you to trust yourself - and others to trust you. If you can't trust you to keep your own secrets how can anyone else ever trust that you will keep theirs.

I have a writer's block, I think. I can't seem to kick my story any further than where it is. The first scene, so critical to the rest of the story, is turning out to be the toughest to write. I know where she's going. I know pretty much how she's going to get there - but I have to figure out Jake. I have to be careful with him. I don't want to make him a joke. So many I knew came home like him. Physically whole but in mental pieces. That's how I came home. And it cost me so much. To this day it costs me. But that's all part of my nugget and I can't go there. I won't go there.

See? That's all I needed. A good flush. Like there was too much stuff backed up and I couldn't find the plunger but I think it's going to be better now, I really do. Cathartic. A good cathartic is all anyone really needs, from time to time. A cleansing of the crap that gets stuck around the edges of the soul and needs cleaning out. Thank you. I feel better now. I can feel it. That thing I like.

Peace.