LYTM - from my perspective

Last night was the inaugural performance of Listen To Your Mother - Chicago.  I was lucky enough to be accepted as a member of the cast.

To start, I had no nerves, although I could detect a potential issue in the fact that at audition, 1st rehearsal and 2nd rehearsal, I could not get through the last line or two without choking up.  But I have had a world of experience being in front of audiences - and I had never choked before.  So I saw no need to feel nervous.

Somewhere along the way, however, sometime during the backstage pacing going on before the show started, sometime during that time I began to realize that nerves had taken me over and I was in fear, almost panic, of being onstage in front of all those people.  And I began to understand why I was so unnerved.

This time was going to be different.  This time, it was going to be Me.

In years past, when I WAS onstage, it was always as someone else.  A character.  A pretense.  Not me.  Not my words.  And I never got nerves like I had last night, because it's easier to be out there, under the lights, when you're pretending to be someone else.  All you need to know are your lines, your cues, and your blocking.  The fear and/or nerves you WILL feel are related to screwing up one or more of those three aspects of your performance on stage.

This time was going to be different.  This time, it was going to be Me.

My body knew before my mind did.  My body started churning, heart pounding, breathing short and quick.  I began to wonder why, now?  Why was I getting nervous NOW?  And then, because I had asked the question, the answer came - hit me like a thunderclap.  "Because you're going to be YOU".

I looked around at my cast-mates.  Some looked so calm, so within themselves.  Others were talkative and outgoing.  None of them seemed changed from the people I had come to know, admire, respect and, yes, love.  Each of them came up to me, at one time or another, and said words of encouragement, expressions of support, or gave me a hug.  A much needed hug.

I can't begin to tell you what I feel about last night.  It is indelibly imprinted on my mind and memory.  The whole experience, from audition, to rehearsals, to performance - all guided to perfection by Melisa Wells and Tracey Becker.  The audience was amazing and receptive.  But the feelings about last night go way beyond descriptions of what happened.  Each story is a part of me, now.  Each of the women of the cast, all of whom were so nice to me, so genuine, so supportive,  are now friends - in every true and valuable meaning of the word.

This has rambled a bit.  But it's the best I can do as I still feel a tumult of emotion about the whole experience.

And what an experience it was.

Ndinombethe.