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8/20/2010

Broken Routine - a Reveal

Yesterday, I mentioned how getting into a routine eased the process of blogging - something that someone who posts every day would find 'convenient'.

But I've thought about it more, since then. And I've realized something else.

Routine lets you hide.

Yesterday, someone commented that I seem very "Zen". Could that appearance of Zen-ness be the result of hiding behind routine?

"Monday Meanders" are never more than little bits and fragments of fluff. There is no exploration of any subject in detail.

"Tuesday Tales" are just that. Tales. And seldom personal - or if they are - never real-time.

"Wordless Wednesday"? Pictures? Not very revealing.

"100 Word Challenge" on Thursdays? A fun exercise, and another excuse not to 'reveal'.

"Haiku Friday"? Just how much reveal is there in 17 syllables?

And, of course, most Saturdays and Sundays involve publication of bits of the two stories I'm working on - and though they probably reveal more about me than ANY of my posts, the things they DO reveal about me are hidden in allegory.

So.

I'm worried and concerned. My mother, 84 years old and cranky, is going to have surgery this coming Tuesday morning. This surgery is dangerous. Chancy. Under normal circumstances I would have been totally against her taking such a risk.

The circumstances are not normal.

If she doesn't have this surgery, it's virtually guaranteed that one day she'll wake up paralyzed. Totally paralyzed. And that day is not far off. I have seen the MRI's from which her diagnosis was made and even I, a totally untrained eye, can see the problem. There is no disguising or hiding from it. There is no exaggerating these circumstances. It just is.

So I have encouraged her to have the surgery. I know what would happen if she doesn't. I know what she would insist I do if she were to wake up unable to move, unable to take any kind of care of herself - if she were to wake up totally dependent on someone else for every single thing she ingested and excreted. She told me, "That's what sleeping pills are for."

Yeah, Ma. Great.

So I'm concerned. Scared, really.

I hope to Christ I've made the right choice.

Ndinombethe.

17 comments:

Myst_72 said...

I'll be thinking of you both Lou,

G
xxx

Jientje said...

Sending good vibes, you're both in my thoughts and prayers.

Dysfunctional Mom said...

Your family will be in my thoughts & prayers.
(p.s. these are my favorite types of posts; not negative news, of course, just posts from the heart.)

Tara R. said...

You have a lot going on right now, the last thing you need to worry about is entertaining us.

I'll keep you and your mother in my thoughts.

Grandmother said...

Sounds like some heavy things going on, Lou. No wonder she's cranky and you're hiding. But truly, you gave the advice, your mother made the decision. Either way has risks but surgery at least gives her the possibility of maintaining function. Prayers for you and your Mom. Post the date and time and we can all focus our positive energy on her healing. Yours is already under way.

Mrs F with 4 said...

As Grandmother said, you encouraged Grannie, but she does still have the power and capacity to make her own decisions? You are her son.... you wouldn't advise what you thought was NOT best for her? It IS risky, but the alternative? You already know all this, of course.... but worry is a horrible thing, I know.

Love to you ALL, and thinking of you. My Grandmother's phrase is still the one we use.... I'm carrying you 'tucked in my sleeve'.

Bama Cheryl said...

You're right in some ways, I think, about the routine becoming a means of complacency and not really sharing of ourselves and putting yourself out there. Interesting perspective. Prayers for your mom and you as you prepare for Tuesday.

Hockeymandad said...

Do not worry about us right now, we are more concerned with the health of your family anyway!

Making decisions that weigh the risks against quality of living are never easy. I think you are doing a stand up job and I'm sure Grannie appreciates it greatly.

Hugs, love and prayers for health to you and your family from me and mine.

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

I'm thinking of you both, hon. I hope everything goes well and I believe you have made the right choice.

Indigo said...

There is always a hint of our truth and anguish underlining our words, even when we don't speak them. I'm sending prayers on the smoke, sweet friend. You're doing what you feel is best for your mother. No one can ask more than that. (Hugs)Indigo

PattiKen said...

My heart aches for you, Lou, and for your mother. I can only imagine how scared you both must be. You did the right thing. You reflected her feelings back to her, and she made the decision. It sounds like even though there is risk to the surgery, not having the surgery involves no risk at all. It carries only certainty of a terrible consequence.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your Mom.

PattiKen said...

And cranky? Of course she's cranky. I would be way beyond cranky were I in her place. WAY!

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Tuli said...

I think you've made the right choice in encouraging her to have the surgery. The alternative would, in my opinion, be unbearable to a woman in full control of her mental facilities with no control over her body.

Blogging routines are a good thing, Lou. I didn't have one and I ended up deleting my blog because of it. Maybe one day I'll start another. But for now, I go blogless.

melissa said...

thinking of you and your mom!!
xo

HalfAsstic.com said...

Crap, Lou! I really can't see that there is any other choice, though. From what you describe the choice is pretty much made for her and you as well. It is absolutely necessary.
I am sure the doctor has told you, but often the effects of general anestesia on an elderly person takes several days to "work themselves out". So don't be too alarmed if she is very much not herself for a bit.
Meanwhile, I will pray for her!

lisaschaos said...

I'll be keeping you both in my thoughts. I hope things go well for your mom, this has been a ways in coming. Hoping it goes forward Tuesday as planned.

I hadn't really thought about the hiding behind meme's until I started doing my year 5 project. It's hard, really hard to try to pull from my heart, brain, soul, instead of sharing bits of fluff.