There are times when good things happen and you say to yourself, "I'm going to wind up paying for this", because in the great Yin and Yang of things you know there is a balance that must be kept and if you get 'good', the universe has GOT to hand you a whole bunch of 'bad' because that balance just Has To Be Kept.
Lately, the universe has been busy getting even with me for the great trip to Trinidad my son and I had. I suppose it's a measure of just how good that trip really was that the last two weeks or so have been so very, very busy and pressure filled. Normally, the job I do is relatively laid back - not that it's easy or anything, but it's what I love to do and it never gets to be so bad that I hate going to work or anything even remotely like that. Normally. But lately ... day-um! Every gremlin that can strike me has struck - and in spades. Firewalls that refuse to work properly. Servers come crashing to the ground and breaking. Well, actually, that WAS a two man job and I should have known better than to do it myself, but that's just the way I am. Projects that were months away suddenly take on new and immediate importance and the one man job I love so well is suddenly getting to the point where I may even have to find HELP! And I don't like the feeling that I can't do my job by myself. But again, that's just the way I am.
And then, on another topic .....
I wonder, sometimes, what has taken me so long to find these things that I love so much. Painting. Drawing and sketching. And writing. Blogging. Well, of course, blogging is new - but the underlying idea isn't - people have been keeping diaries for as long as they have been able to make meaningful marks in something other than dirt. And that's all a blog is, really. A diary. But written for an audience of MORE than one. Hopefully.
All of my life I have felt outside of things. The one and only time I felt accepted, and that the things I did were worthy, was that brief period of time in my life when I was in the theater. There is a quote I read on a blog somewhere, and I don't know who to attribute it to, and I wish I could, but it goes like this: "Human beings are happiest when they are active and creative; when they feel as though they are making a contribution to the world." And the theater fed into that. I felt acceptance and happy with my work. Since that time, I have always felt a need to prove myself - felt that others demanded that of me. And I've never felt the acceptance, again, that I felt when I was onstage.
You. You bloggers. You sweet and lovely people, have been like manna from heaven. You have made me feel as though I am worthwhile and worth something. You have been unconditionally accepting of me, and my art, and my writing. But especially of me.
You have taken me at face value. You have helped me begin to realize my worth as a person.
I cannot begin to tell you what I feel - about any or all of you.
Ndinombethe. "As I go, I am wearing you." All of you. Each and every one of you. Like a warm blanket around my heart.