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2/21/2009

When The Universe Gets Even

There are times when good things happen and you say to yourself, "I'm going to wind up paying for this", because in the great Yin and Yang of things you know there is a balance that must be kept and if you get 'good', the universe has GOT to hand you a whole bunch of 'bad' because that balance just Has To Be Kept.

Lately, the universe has been busy getting even with me for the great trip to Trinidad my son and I had. I suppose it's a measure of just how good that trip really was that the last two weeks or so have been so very, very busy and pressure filled. Normally, the job I do is relatively laid back - not that it's easy or anything, but it's what I love to do and it never gets to be so bad that I hate going to work or anything even remotely like that. Normally. But lately ... day-um! Every gremlin that can strike me has struck - and in spades. Firewalls that refuse to work properly. Servers come crashing to the ground and breaking. Well, actually, that WAS a two man job and I should have known better than to do it myself, but that's just the way I am. Projects that were months away suddenly take on new and immediate importance and the one man job I love so well is suddenly getting to the point where I may even have to find HELP! And I don't like the feeling that I can't do my job by myself. But again, that's just the way I am.

And then, on another topic .....

I wonder, sometimes, what has taken me so long to find these things that I love so much. Painting. Drawing and sketching. And writing. Blogging. Well, of course, blogging is new - but the underlying idea isn't - people have been keeping diaries for as long as they have been able to make meaningful marks in something other than dirt. And that's all a blog is, really. A diary. But written for an audience of MORE than one. Hopefully.

All of my life I have felt outside of things. The one and only time I felt accepted, and that the things I did were worthy, was that brief period of time in my life when I was in the theater. There is a quote I read on a blog somewhere, and I don't know who to attribute it to, and I wish I could, but it goes like this: "Human beings are happiest when they are active and creative; when they feel as though they are making a contribution to the world." And the theater fed into that. I felt acceptance and happy with my work. Since that time, I have always felt a need to prove myself - felt that others demanded that of me. And I've never felt the acceptance, again, that I felt when I was onstage.

Until now.

You. You bloggers. You sweet and lovely people, have been like manna from heaven. You have made me feel as though I am worthwhile and worth something. You have been unconditionally accepting of me, and my art, and my writing. But especially of me.

You have taken me at face value. You have helped me begin to realize my worth as a person.

I cannot begin to tell you what I feel - about any or all of you.

Ndinombethe. "As I go, I am wearing you." All of you. Each and every one of you. Like a warm blanket around my heart.

28 comments:

raino said...

really lovely post lceel! loved reading this.

http://momofboxer.blogspot.com/2009/02/krazy-george-is-well-crazy.html

Jientje said...

You're a wonderful person Lou, a good writer and a gifted painter. As a blogger, you stand out, we look forward to read you, and to get a visit and a comment from you. You're a very special friend, and we all love you. I understand about feeling worthy and accepted ... or not.
Blogging has given me that same thing, that little bit extra confidence and self esteem.
In that way, a blog is far more than just a diary. Diaries don't talk back.
They don't say they love you.

But we do.

But I do wish those gremlins would leave you at peace!

Nicole said...

I love your art, I love your words, hugs my friend!

Myst_72 said...

You are more than worthwhile and definitely worth more than 'something' to me Lou,

G
xx

witchypoo said...

What? You mean being a horny bastard isn't enough for you? We love you, too, Lou.

Theresa said...

Sorry work is so cruddy. This too shall pass. And thank you for sharing your life with us :)

Shadow said...

come on, don't be such a man, ask for help, heee heee heee. and i don't think it's the ying/yan thing, that something bad should follow something good. i think after such a perfect break, one is just a bit slower returning to one's normal efficient self, since you hanker after those wonderful relaxing days...

i read that quote also and for the life of me.... but it made a huge impact on me too. i still read it to hubby and told him quite sternly to now leave me alone when i write. but he's beginning to get it. and this 'community' of friends i've found. especially since no stalkers have arrived on the horizon, heee heee heee. i get what you're saying here, i feel it too. have a good weekend dear louceel!

moneythoughts said...

At the risk of repeating everything that has already been said, and said very well I might add, I will just add this comment. We all want to know we have value, and for most of us, it is through feedback from our friends. The more sensitive we are, the more important that feedback is. Those that do not care or want feedback are the scary ones, for they are clearly a mutation that is unhealthy in my mind. The bottomline: we want to know that we matter and make a difference in people's lives.

Stay warm and check out some of those art blogs I wrote you about. There is some fantastic stuff out there!

Ashlie- Mommycosm said...

Awww...you are such a sweet and wonderful man with a gift for writing. I'm glad you have found a forum to replace theatre. Your words and your comments always manage to brighten my day...and you are definitely worth something to me :)

Joyce-Anne said...

I don't have anything to add my friend. Maybe only to say, that I am very happy you are part of my life. You have an insight, a kindness and generosity of spirit that is unique to find in a person. Thank you for sharing yourself with me and all of us. Gee, I guess I had more to say than I thought.

Tara R. said...

Well said. I totally agree with you. Blogging has been a wonderful adventure and I keep find new treasures every day.

Ree said...

And we feel the same about you sweetie.

Audubon Ron said...

Did you remember to plug in the computers? If yes, then use duck tape. Uh, nice sentiments at the end but the only reason I blog is because I'm usually bored. I don't get all goose-bumpy about it.

Shadow said...

oh you! i had to personally come say thank you for your cute comment since you had me giggling at my computer, something that greatly worries my fellow housemates....

Michael said...

I must of done loads of stuff wrong in a past life, sometimes everythings going good in life then it all changes and turns so hard that you have to take it a hour at a time instead of a day at a time.
This weeks been hard, I dont know if im coming or going but as they say in AA "This too shall pass"

Michael said...

I must of done loads of stuff wrong in a past life, sometimes everythings going good in life then it all changes and turns so hard that you have to take it a hour at a time instead of a day at a time.
This weeks been hard, I dont know if im coming or going but as they say in AA "This too shall pass"

Patsy said...

WE are your audience. The approval you need, we all need. Being a teacher I'm on *stage* most of the time -- and I love performing there. That is way that even though I'm retired I continue to work. I love the audience.

Blogging has indeed filled a gap in many lives.

Nan said...

Lou's harem would be pleased to note that my Carnival Costume is VERY harem-ish. Veil and all. Yes, Lou, I will post pictures!

I hope next week is better, Lou. It will be. Cycles!

Myst_72 said...

There is a little something for you over at my blog - it can be just for you - no need to pass it on :)

G
xx

redchair said...

I think we all feel like that Lou. I’ve found in the later years the need to focus and surround myself with the positive; that includes people, places and things. Other than that, any one or anything else is just a waste of precious time we just don’t have to give. There are so many wonderful things and people to be appreciated every day.

You have a job you love, your wonderful family, art, photography, and lets not forget -‘blogging duties.’ Sounds to me like you’re doing just that.
Vikki

Loraine said...

Aw, shucks. It's always nice to know people like having you around. :)

OHmommy said...

awe lou.

can i really hug you in chicago? warm blanket? i get it. that is how i feel. perfection, yet again... i love that quote you found and would love to know where it came from.

LceeL said...

Raino: Thank you, Raino.

Jientje: Blogging is like a diary on steroids.

Nicole: Thank you, Nicole. Hugs right back.

Myst_72: Thank you, Gina. I feel exactly the same about you.

Witchypoo: Being a horny bastard is never enough - although, being a satisfied horny bastard COULD be.

Theresa: Thank you for being interested.

Shadow: You have no stalkers? It's only because you can't see me.

Moneythoughts: Those Art blogs are fantastic.

Ashlie: Thank you, Ashlie - I feel the same about you, too.

Joyce-Anne: And thank you, Joyce-Anne, for starting your blog and sharing you with us.

Tara R: That's the amazing thing - blogging refreshes itself every day.

Ree: Thank you, Ree. You gorgeous thing, you.

Audubon Ron: Whatever it takes o get you out here, man. Boredom works.

Shadow: Heh, heh, heh.

Michael: You can always talk to me, sir.

Patsy: I think I knew, and appreciated that, about you.

Nan: I'm sure it will be - I keep picking them off - one at a time.

Myst_72: I will display it on Monday.

LceeL said...

Redchair: And there are few I appreciate as much as I do you, Vikki.

Loraine: Siply said - and so right on target.

OHmommy: I'd like to know here i saw it, too. And you just try getting out of Chicago without a hug from me.

maggie's mind said...

Beautiful, Lou. I can very much relate to the good stuff that comes out of blogging.

Hyphen Mama said...

I thought I was the only one who thought in realms of the yin/yang of good and bad cycles in life. People always say I'm a naysayer when I talk about that. Glad to see I'm on track and THEY are the ones who aren't.

I don't suppose you have any photos of the time you were in theater? I, for one, would LOVE to see Lou the Actor.

Miss Ash said...

Ebb & Flow!!!

It is a beautiful world, isn't it!

Indigo said...

Ah my dear sweet friend, you have no idea the beauty your friendship brings to me. Your kind words in sight of harsh memories reaffirm life for me over and over. Your one of the men in my life that reminds me, there are good wonderful souls inhabiting the shell of a man. I don't think your realize the beauty of us seeing you, is you saw us first. (Hugs)Indigo