Wordy Wednesday

Stream of consciousness ... song in my ear is "Feather Moon" again ... Something about Vienna Teng just reaches me ... she gets into my mind ... I don't listen to the words so much as the sound, the tone, the 'feel' of the music ... but then, that's always been the way of music for me ... I almost never listen so precisely to a song that I learn the words .. I listen to the 'mood' of the song ... I let the song in and let it find someplace to settle and then we sort of find each other and then I drift and something just plays out in my mind ... whatever it was that I got to thinking about. Whatever it was that the mood, the song, took me to. Sometimes it's an old memory, an old regret, and old hurt, a revisit to places I don't like to go to. Failed marriages leave things like that behind. Children that want nothing to do with you and resist any attempt at communication. She is an incredible artist. Amazing. He has completely broken off what little contact we had tried to re-establish. I couldn't provide him money when he needed it. I have no idea where he is or what he has done or what he is doing. I know he is brilliant. But that's all.

I try to move away from the painful stuff. I look instead into what I do have, the kids who acknowledge me and call me Dad. Fine young men all, but I see so many of my failures in them. My oldest whom I have never been able to help beyond his issues - a failed attempt at counselling, by a consellor who was an idiot and I didn't know what to do to guide him to a better place. Unrecognized Asbergers and too late to remediate. He is determined to lead his own life, to do it his way, but I am the one to whom he turns when he runs out of options. I keep hoping for success. It still eludes us. But I learned from him. Because of him my youngest will succeed. He will get through school and go to college and step out in the world because his oldest brother failed and we learned from that.

"Hope on Fire" playing now. More upbeat but still slightly melancholy. A minor key. Doesn't suit me. I'm going back to "Feather Moon". And suddenly that doesn't suit me either. I seem restless all of a sudden. Unable to focus on the task at hand. Different music. "Drifting" by Enya. Slower. More peacefull. But still that minor key. And that still suits me fine.

I have all of this pent up stuff. Things inside that someday have to come out and they struggle, sometimes, with the boundaries set. The walls in which they have to stay. We all have our secrets. And that's the way it should be. There has to be that nugget kept hidden away. That little bit of you that no one else ever gets to see - your secret you keep with yourself. It's the thing that keeps you grounded. It's the thing that allows you to trust yourself - and others to trust you. If you can't trust you to keep your own secrets how can anyone else ever trust that you will keep theirs.

I have a writer's block, I think. I can't seem to kick my story any further than where it is. The first scene, so critical to the rest of the story, is turning out to be the toughest to write. I know where she's going. I know pretty much how she's going to get there - but I have to figure out Jake. I have to be careful with him. I don't want to make him a joke. So many I knew came home like him. Physically whole but in mental pieces. That's how I came home. And it cost me so much. To this day it costs me. But that's all part of my nugget and I can't go there. I won't go there.

See? That's all I needed. A good flush. Like there was too much stuff backed up and I couldn't find the plunger but I think it's going to be better now, I really do. Cathartic. A good cathartic is all anyone really needs, from time to time. A cleansing of the crap that gets stuck around the edges of the soul and needs cleaning out. Thank you. I feel better now. I can feel it. That thing I like.



Jientje said...

It's hard for me to find the right words to comment on this post, but know that I can feel exactly what you mean about things being bottled up inside your soul, regrets, hurt, guilt ...

Sometimes it's good to open up, and let it out a little.
I'm glad you've found peace again.

Myst_72 said...

That would be so hard Lou.
I had to go away and think about this before coming back and commenting.
I can't imagine how this feels for you.
I do know though I mostly became interested in contact with my natural parents after I had my first son.
Does your eldest have children?
That may be the key...maybe not...but maybe.

It's good to let it all out once in a while, well let some of it out anyway,


Shadow said...

we all get stuck and clogged. why though... i don't understand. because it's human nature to 'ignore' some things? even if only for a while? it's gets to be too much hard work to clear things out daily? a little bit of the rebel that says 'what the hell'? all of the above and then some? yeah. then it's time to take a plunge and purge. it's good for the soul. yes it is!

Melissa said...

I understand about the elder/younger son thing. I;m having some major guilt about that one right now myself. I'm just hoping that we caught it in time...

But emotional colonics are good everyone once to clear out those blockages. Thanks for sharing.

Patsy said...

The first thing I thought after reading this is *Gee, and all I did was go get an pedicure.* A flippant response to something much more serious. But I agree with much of what you said. You can't let all the secrets out at least not all at once. That in and of itself would be too painful. But between the music and the writing as much as need be will be come.
Now on with that story, I'm very interested in meeting your Jake. I think I know a version of him -- he is now my Sunday School teacher. He also served in Nam and has had many struggles because of it. Charles only shares snippet of what he went through there much as you do. I'm glad you both made it home and both are learning/have learned to *cope*.

Love who you are. Continue to be you.

Christy said...

"If you can't trust you to keep you own secrets how can anyone else ever trust that you will keep theirs."

I never thought of it this way.

I'm glad you feel better sharing a little, though.

www.ayewonder.com said...

I tell you there is something in the water. By the way, while this is a gross generaliztion, men tend to listen to the tune, women to the lyrics. Or at least that is my observation.

Hyphen Mama said...

"there has to be that nugget kept hidden away"

I believe (wrongly!) that unless I reveal TOO MUCH of myself to people, ALL of myself and my flaws, I feel like I'm a fraud. If they don't know my weaknesses and failings, they can't possibly know me AND love me.

I take your wisdom and learn from it.

I am so sorry you have grown children who are not in your life.

hockeychic said...

Very powerful post, lots of different threads in it. Glad you let some stuff out.

Ash said...

Amazing how you can write your thoughts and it can instigate within me such personal emotion.

I don't speak to my father.

My older brother (not my father's child) doesn't speak to me because he came home in mental pieces...

Joyce-Anne said...

I'm sorry you live with this pain of not being in contact with your oldest son. Unfortunately, we can only control ourselves when we react or deal with situations. This may sound cliche, but I can't help but think that it's his loss. You're an awesome father and all around good friend. And, while we all make mistakes in our lives, we deserve to be forgiven.

LarryG said...

sometimes it just takes finding that trickle and pulling the plug and then that becomes a stream and then before long a rush and the dike is overwhelmed by the gush!

Holly at Tropic of Mom said...

Stream of consciousness is a good way to get past writer's block. Good luck with it!

Anglophile Football Fanatic said...

You know I'm stuck in block, too. I had to dig back into the past to try to jump start. I have no idea if that will help, but you know I wish you luck & thanks for checking up on me.

Momisodes said...

I'm sorry these memories backed up and festered for a while. However, sometimes that is exactly what we need in order to re-inspire ourselves.

I have hunch I'm in the same boat- anchored with no feel for which direction to take my writing project (due Monday).

Hoping your mind feels more clear now, and a new direction awaits you.

redchair said...

Hi Lou,
I like what Momisodes said. And I agree with you about ‘our secrets’. It’s ironic, because many psychological studies say we should reveal all, and ‘we’re only as sick as our secrets’ and so on. I think that’s B.S.! Re-hashing over and again is almost masochistic and it certainly doesn’t make it go away! I think we just have to find a place in our head where we can store it and not let it come into our daily lives anymore.
The hope is that we become more appreciative and sensitive to other people needs and situations because of our own secrets.

LceeL said...

Jientje: Thank you, Jientje.

Myst_72: Yes, Gina. Some of it.

Shadow: A little purge. Just a little.

Melissa: emotional colonic. I like that.

Patsy: Thank you, patsy. A lot of us came home that way.

Christy: I do, Christy. I do.

Ayewonder: That's the ticket! Something in the water.

Hyphen Mama: I don't know about taking any wisdom from ME. That which is wise and prudent for me may not be the best thing for someone else.

Hockeychic: Thank you. Me too.

Ash: I'm sorry. I know how painful all of that can be.

Joyce-Anne: Thank you. You're right.

Larryg: I waas thinking in more Biblical terms - you know - a deluge of 40 days and 40 nights.

Holly ATOM: Thank you, Ma'am.

AFF: I get worried, that's all.

Sandy: If you need me - just ring my bell.

LceeL said...

Redchair: I have wrestled them all back where they belong and we're good now.

Tara R. said...

Have you ever listened to any songs by Twelves Girl Band... a traditional acoustic Chinese ensemble. Very melancholy, yet hopeful. Wonderful songs for musing and pondering.

maggie's mind said...

You are brilliant, Lou, even when you aren't trying to be. You are just so real, even while keeping your secrets as your secrets. I can't imagine half of what you have experienced, but I like who you are probably as a result of parts of your experiences.

Tash said...

Let the story flow and come back to the first scene. Sometimes it's the best way. That way you can be sure to include the details that need to be alluded to from the outset.

All need a purge from time to time.

Nan said...

Lou, sometimes when people have kids of their own they realise how much their parent really loves them. I know that my relationship with my mum began to heal when I had kids. There is time for your son and daughter to come back to you, just remain available.

And about learning from your mistakes with your first child? My eldest and I actually talked about that recently! He was accusing me of somethng or other, and I told him he was absolutely right... I did it different with each of my sons. Why? Because I am still learning this parenting thing, and gaining experience as I go. He seemed to be okay with that. Being the eldest is not easy!

Eric S. said...

Lou, I know the feeling, of needing to flush, purge some of that which clutters and clogs the mind. Many times I have found as you know that releasing those memories seems to lift a secret door in that wall of a impenetrable stone.

I know I can talk about thing of the past to my real life friends, but it never seems to accomplish anything. When I spill it out on paper, it's like emptying or cleaning out of an old file drawer. Freeing that space for new more useful or creative things.

I hope you get to see your eldest. Blinda's son, my step son was adopted by other people when he was very young. Blinda was not in a good time of her life then. She found him just a few years back, and they talk semi regular.

I don't really listen to the lyrics of music, more the tempo, beat and melody.